I am Worth more than your cat call.
Worth more than your shallow cry, "Ayo, MAMI!"
I am Worth more than your gaze.
Worth more than all the bullshit
myths that your approval makes me
whole.
Do you talk to your mother with your dick?
Is she too, just a Black Bitch?
Be gentle with yourself
bask into the night
without shame
embrace all your insecurities
swim in it
feel it all around
fuck anyone that tries to down play
you
bask into the night
smoke that blunt
listen to those sad
songs
paint those paintings
no one
sees
just
don't
give
up.
So, I just got back from Atlanta, Georgia. It was actually super fucking tight and the people were so nice. You know, that southern hospitality. I even think I was in a culture shock, it was a lot more diverse than I expected. A lot of interracial couples and it made my heart so happy. When I brought this up to a friend, she wasn't surprised and said that's because were not use to seeing that because were from Minneapolis. I laughed. It's so true. Minneapolis loves to pretend.
AfroPunk Atlanta was such a different experience. The whole trip, I was trying to compare it to AfroPunk Brooklyn. I learned fast, that you can't do it. It was too much of it's own thing. What I love about the Atlanta one, was they held a discussion, talking about the woman's march and the displacement of Black Women. Talks of having choices, and that those choices are going to be different for each woman. It was amazing to see what felt like an ocean of Black Goddess, bringing their ideas and thoughts together. The speakers were Michaela Angela Davis and Yvonne Orji.
The music was incredible of course, and I had the pleasure of seeing ZuluZuluu, a local hip-hop/soul funk band from Minneapolis. So it was beautiful witnessing them being apart of AfroPunk. It was also a blessing to see Moses Sumney, his vocals were empowering. Txlips Band, an all Black female rock band that always goes so hard. Their drummer actually got stitches before performing and still rocked it. Sam Dew, someone I wasn't familiar with, got my attention. He was raw and powerful. His presence was very profound. Willow Smith was amazing. She honestly, was just so cute and innocent in a way. She was so humble and just having a good time. We were even blessed with a surprise pop up from Jada Pinkett Smith. They sang a really cute song together that could easily be put into a Disney movie or Pixar Film. I'm still convinced that it was a promotion song, because it sounded like a new Black Animation film we didn't even know we needed. And of course Solange ended the show on the last day and Miguel ended the show on Saturday. I would say personally the performance Solange did in Brooklyn reminisced a little more to me. But I say this because by the time she performed my feet were killing me and all I wanted to do was lay down!
Overall I was left feeling another sense of connection and fullness. I'm currently going through the process of letting go of toxic people and unhealthy patterns within my self. And AfroPunk gave me another reason to be happy. To be in the present moment, to look at all the blackness surrounding me and to know that I will be okay. We will be okay. I went with a dear friend, who's well known in Minneapolis. She had some friends coming as well, to show love and respect to ZuluZuluu and of course to enjoy AfroPunk. So it was an amazing to share this experience with Women from Minneapolis, who were like minded, and changing the game in their own way back home. I was telling a friend of mine, I got to hang out with the cool kids.
I'm glad that places like these are happening. It's been a rough few months, and this was definitely a self care moment for me.
shit, maybe South Africa will be next on the list.
Check out Images, to see some highlights of the trip!
Your a long distant friend that shows up unannounced.
with no sense of boundaries you suffocate me.
You tell me all the things I don't want to hear.
You try to show me things, I know aren't there.
Your shadow haunts me.
And the dark terrifies me.
You second guess all my thoughts
double check, triple check, worry worry worry
You come and go as you please.
Leaving me unsure of the world
But most importantly
Leaving me unsure of myself.
“How am I suppose to find a man that wants to commit, when I’m too busy playing house with you.”
My favorite movies include but not limited to, The Labyrinth, Howard the Duck, Crooklyn and The Goonies. My first album was No Doubt's Return to Saturn, following Kittie's Oracle. Growing up, I wore arm warmers, I didn't know how to do my hair and I developed pretty early. I've been described as Emo, Trying to be white, and a little Mexican boy. ( 9th grade was rough y'all.)
I've been thinking about my growth and what being a 'normal girl' really meant to me. Growing up in a mostly white school, I had crushes on all these white boys that wouldn't even look at me. Fuck it, lets be real, NO boys were looking at me. So right then and there, I got a sense that I wasn't "ideal." This pattern continued throughout high school, and early adult years. I kept trying to tame myself, I wanted to be like Plain Jane so badly.
I've dated mostly white men all my life *insert, sense of shame and feeling like I need to explain myself* and throughout all those relationships, I found myself trying to change for each of them. I found myself, trying yet again to not be too eccentric, too outspoken, too full of life. But why? Weren't these the same characteristics that they were attracted to in the first place? When I got comfortable with them, did I get too real? I guess it was the idea of me that they fell for first, but then they realize that dating a Black woman is going to be real work. Work that most aren't willing to do.
I've been sitting here, listening to Sza's Normal Girl on repeat.
Her words, speaking my life.
*It's about to get a little DARK*
But.
Both my parents passed, so when she say's " a girl, my daddy could be proud of."
That shit hits home.
But today.
Today I can say, fuck the normal girl.
I don't want to be her anymore.
In truth, I will never be the normal girl, and you can't make me.
Moral of this rant?
Black girls, you are enough. Embrace your own uniqueness. When they tell you, your too weird, too wild, too loud, too you.
Smile, because you, in that moment are doing it right.
And that scares them.
Did you notice how well I'm doing, not catching feelings?
How every time you leave, I bite my tongue.
I hold in those three little words.
I
Love
You
But, we're just keeping it casual.
So I don't text you.
I
Wait.
Afraid of being "one of those females"
Like, what the fuck does that even mean?
But.
I.
Wait.
For?
Nothing
You must have just forgotten.
You cum inside me.
But, we're just keeping it cool.
You play with my hair.
Notice, I don't let no one in my hair.
But.
You're.
Different.
Right?
Somehow throughout all this casualness
Babe slips out.
Now, I'm doing too much.
Taking things too fast.
Whoa, girl.
Slow down.
I thought you knew what this was.
I just need time to find me.
He says.
All the while, I'm losing myself.