How's it going to be

I’ve been dreaming a lot about an old friend. A friend that is now just a memory. It’s crazy to think about all the memories you can make with someone and at a  certain point in your life, none of it matters.  I thought this person was going to be in my life forever. I should also point out that this friendship was toxic and that’s probably why we don’t speak to one another. It just feels weird knowing there is someone out there, that knows all my horrible mistakes of my past. Someone that has stories about me that I wouldn’t want the world to know. Someone that I once thought I loved. Someone I used to protect and care for. I creeped on their Facebook (of course) and just thought about how happy they looked. How they looked like they were finally living their best life. Maybe I was taken back, because I’m still fighting for my joy, for my happiness. They’ve also been the type of person to come up from the darkest of holes. A part of me was happy to see this but in all honestly, jealous and sad. Jealous because I’m not there yet and sad because it’s a reminder that people can be happy with or without you in their lives. Everything just takes time.

My health insurance is basically on a pause due to me turning my shit in late so, it’s been a minute since I’ve been able to get back on my anti-depressants, so apart of me wonders if this is the reason I’ve been feeling these feelings. Feelings of despair, regret and what ifs.  I had a good cry the other day. I used to cry every day, but then I got on my anti-depressants and noticed I haven’t cried in days then weeks. But a few days ago, I just had to let it all out. Sometimes when I cry, I feel all these memories float around in my head. Like a quick commercial of past feelings flushing out of my eyes.

One day I hope to find whatever the fuck I'm looking for. That I never stop fighting my demons and learn that my life is enough. Comparison can really fuck you up.

How's it going to be when you don't know me anymore?

Predictability

I remember an old co-worker once telling me how I would make a terrific housewife. Of course I believe this was spoken with a intend to make me feel like that's all I would be worth. Funny thing is I'm 28 years old and far from becoming anyone's housewife, wife, or even a mother. My days consist of surviving and within those days, that consist of working my job that pays the bills and me trying to stay focus on my creative side. I'm constantly pushing  myself to write most days. I can't tell you the last time I stepped into my painting room with focus, an idea or purpose. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I woke up with that memory this morning.  You know what I did after that? I creeped on her instagram, her lovely family and just laughed.  Life is seemingly unpredictable, or maybe it's the fact that it is predictable.

Don't let people try to put labels on you or try to put unwanted energies and pressure on your life. I'm sure you can do that all by yourself.

Loving while broken

The title seems harsh. I don't think i'm really broken, but I am contiously improving myself and trying to not be in self doubt, so I can't really say that I'm not not broken. I also don't think people with Mental health issues are broken, I am speaking for only myself and my own experiences, being a women of color dealing with depression and balancing out a relationship. Incase anyone feels the need to come at me with my language. (I did not send for you)

Being in a relationship and dealing with depression is hard. Plain and simple. Some days, some weeks, fuck, even some months are good and then all of a sudden, I think the worst. I think to myself, "how can anyone love me, when I don't even know if I love myself." How can he still stay by my side when some nights all I do is bitch and cry. literally. I used to cry myself to sleep at night because the weight of the world and responsibilities felt so heavy. And some nights it was just because I needed to cry. I needed to let everything out.  My mind is sometimes my worst enemy. It doesn't stop, and sometimes that comes with self critism. "Why didn't you do that, or you need to still do this."

My partner and I have been together off and on for four years now. When I told him I had depression, he was like yeah I mean who doesn't. But I needed to make it clear that I will have moments when I just need to be alone, or sometimes I need to be met with affection and attention. That some days I will feel alone even when he tries he's best to prove me wrong. I guess when your in a relationship, patience is real. You have to work on being patient with yourself and with your loved one. And letting him know, not to take anything personal (unless it really is)

Honesty is another key. Honesty and open communication helps so much. I know a lot of people say that being in a relationship means compromising, which is true, but it also means being brutally honest when you really don't want to do something or if you frankly don't give a shit. Obviously nothing to discriminate on anything that you or your partner loves and is working towards but, No I don't give a shit about that that drama, and I don't want to watch it with you. type situations. it's okay not give each other space. Sometimes I feel like if someone knows your depressed they think being under you ALL the TIME is good but it's not. I need space. You can chill upstairs and I will downstairs reading. That's okay.  Space is normal.

When I love, I love extremely hard and sometimes I get blinded by the fantasy of love that I forget that we are all just humans, living our lives the best we can and that love isn't going to get rid of my depression. Love isn't magic. It isn't going to just make mental illness go away. But I will say that Love can sometimes feel like magic and some days it makes those dark thoughts dimmer and I remember all those little things I am grateful for.

Maybe I'm not broken. Maybe everyone out there is continuously evolving and going through their own shit and demons just as much as me, Just because loving yourself can be hard sometimes doesn't mean you don't know who you love or who you want to be with. And it doesn't mean you don't know your worth either. 

Love

Loving

Me

Us

Issues

When you love me

you love all of me

and my issues.  

Hopeful in January.

So...

It's been a week of being on anti-depressants. I don't know if there is really much of a change yet, I know it takes about 3 weeks for results, but I will say that I feel more aware of my mood shifts. I can tell when I want to range, so I calmy tell myself to chill the fuck out and I breathe.

I've also noticed that I will get this huge wave of exhaustion over me. then I literally have to sleep. So I've been drinking more coffee.

I still have to schedule therapy. Something I am really excited about but also extremely terrified. Plus side, I love talking about myself so this should be easy but I don't do well with criticism, even if it is structured.

My relationship is doing really well but at the same time I feel like i'm just waiting for it to crash. He wants us to move in together and my anxiety is already making a mess of it. Every other week I keep making a list of things I have to pack and throw away but I still have like 6 months before anything needs to happen or be official.

my doctor told me she thinks I should try to cut down or even stop smoking weed. I have notice that I can't drive smoking weed like at all. not even if I have a few hours between. I really hate this because I love to smoke. Not like I would go crazy without it or feel the need to rob a nigga if I don't got it but it's just the one thing that makes the world a little more easy to deal.

Book club met up which was tight because we almost fell off and I honestly need it and those women in my life. I'm painting again, slowly but it's' something. i'm back at my old job. I don't know if I should feel dumb about that or not but it's surprisingly going well and the women that work there are legit as fuck. I'm moving a lot more so that's cool too.

I've been feeling happy, hopeful almost.

 

Another Year Trying.

So I've decided to write down my new year goals. To be honest my life just feels like a cycle. A cycle I thought would end when you got older. You know, those cycles that you should have known better by now. I guess the fact that I'm already twenty-eight years old and I still feel the same, sometimes worse worries me.

Goals: becoming more active ( I love my couch and Netflix, it's a problem!)

drinking more water

not holding in my opinions

focusing on communication with my partner, ( we're back together but I have mad trust issues)

book club (we haven't been meeting up as much and this has been such a positive experience for me, I don't want to take for granted)

balancing work and friends. ( I want to be more social, I've been such a crab)

Reading more ( I really want to get back into zines and poetry)

Cooking more meals at home. Being more intentional of what I'm putting into my body.

being patient

learning I can't control everything, and that's okay

watching my temper

being kind to people I don't really like, (because karma is a bitch)

I'm also possibly thinking about talking to a therapist, but I'm not promising anything because I don't want to feel like a failure if I don't. But I do understand it's better to have someone to talk to outside of social media. I'm also going to talk to my doctor about options within medication for my depression. I'm tired of feeling out of control and want to make better choices for myself. as a Black women I deserve to give myself options. Especially since I have the resources to do so.

If I told you that some days I cry for no reason

would you believe me?

That sometimes I wake up in a sweat

dreaming of realities untrue.

Being a brown girl can be exhausting.

I feel chunks of me dying, healing, dying, healing, dying, healing.

Honestly though,

I want to make a commitment to myself in learning to move forward and being on a more positive mind set. Dwelling in darkness is one of my best assets. So I want to make the effort.

sometimes you have to believe your worth the investment.

Can I keep you?

Call me by my name and nothing else.

caress my skin as we lay next to each other.

can you hear my heart skip beats?

how i try to control my breathing around you?

I think to myself, "can this be true"

"is this real"

When i wake up tomorrow

will you still be by my side?

if i asked if i could keep you

would you run away?

they usually run

when they get to know me

i think i get it from my

momma

 

 

Swim

Be gentle with yourself

bask into the night

without shame

embrace all your insecurities

swim in it

feel it all around

fuck anyone that tries to down play 

you

bask into the night

smoke that blunt

listen to those sad 

songs

paint those paintings

no one 

sees

just

don't

give

up.

 

Depth Perception

My twenty eighth birthday just passed. Honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it this far. I remember being 21 and thinking that same thing. Every year has been a blessing. Every year has been a lesson I needed to learn. I'm still learning. That's one of the many things I love about life. I've been doing a lot lately. I've been searching within myself, pushing myself. I know that I want more in life. That I deserve more in life.

My parents taught me that life is too short. I've been missing them like crazy. I miss the advice my mother used to give me. I even miss the advice I didn't want from her. It's strange being an adult, and still wanting to turn to "real" adults to tell me what to do. How to act. How to react. 

This year has taught me a lot about myself. I'm discovering habits and triggers that I'm still learning to overcome.  My obsessive disorder is one of them. And not the one like in the movies when i need to clean everything or do something five times. More like, if something is bothering more or someone is on my mind. I'm going to think about it until it makes me physically sick. I'm still working on this.  One thing I still need to work on is talking to a professional. I'm so stubborn and conditioned to thinking I don't need it. My mother wasn't big on going to professionals when it came to mental health. We always had our own reasons, like the weather, the saints are not happy, and of course, were Black/Brown in America. Life isn't suppose to be easy.  My mom taught me that, Black/Brown women in the world, struggle. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but I already knew the double standards growing up. I knew life wasn't going to be easy, and if anything it was going to be tough. And fuck, she wasn't lying.

But I take that with a grain of salt, because I also know it's how you see life too. And I'm happy were I'm headed. 

 

 

Blinded.

I'm learning to let you go.  You see, I thought you were the one.

I had it set in my head, that you were everything I needed. I was blinded with not feeling alone.

I was ready to sacrifice it all. Just so I had someone to sleep by at night. That feeling when you can just roll over and wrap your arms around someone warm and familiar.

I was blinded with not feeling alone, so when you were talking to other women but told me it would never happen again, I believed you.

You always smiled and told me you loved me.

But, what the fuck does Love have to do with it?

The patience women have for some men is ridiculous. A part of me thinks back to when Kat Williams says, "What is it about your not shit pussy, that is attracting these not shit niggas"

But is that it?

OR

Is it that women are so FUCKING CONDITIONED to uphold a certain degree of ego for men. We can't let them feel inadequate. So when they are the ones fucking up, we question ourselves.

What did I do wrong? When in reality, I did everything I could do. I can't bend backwards. Women can't keep bending backwards.

I've been alone before, and honestly, I was living my best life. I want to get back to that point.

I want to be ready to sacrifice everything for myself.

Ladies, go live your best life, for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AfroPunk Atlanta 2017

 

So, I just got back from Atlanta, Georgia. It was actually super fucking tight and the people were so nice. You know, that southern hospitality. I even think I was in a culture shock, it was a lot more diverse than I expected. A lot of interracial couples and it made my heart so happy. When I brought this up to a friend, she wasn't surprised and said that's because were not use to seeing that because were from Minneapolis. I laughed. It's so true. Minneapolis loves to pretend.

AfroPunk Atlanta was such a different experience. The whole trip, I was trying to compare it to AfroPunk Brooklyn. I learned fast, that you can't do it. It was too much of it's own thing. What I love about the Atlanta one, was they held a discussion, talking about the woman's march and the displacement of Black Women.  Talks of having choices, and that those choices are going to be different for each woman. It was amazing to see  what felt like an ocean of Black Goddess, bringing their ideas and thoughts together. The speakers were Michaela Angela Davis and Yvonne Orji.

The music was incredible of course, and I had the pleasure of seeing ZuluZuluu, a local hip-hop/soul funk band from Minneapolis. So it was beautiful witnessing them being apart of AfroPunk. It was also a blessing to see Moses Sumney, his vocals were empowering. Txlips Band, an all Black female rock band that always goes so hard. Their drummer actually got stitches before performing and still rocked it.  Sam Dew, someone I wasn't familiar with, got my attention. He was raw and powerful. His presence was very profound.  Willow Smith was amazing. She honestly, was just so cute and innocent in a way. She was so humble and just having a good time. We were even blessed with a surprise pop up from Jada Pinkett Smith. They sang a really cute song together that could easily be put into a Disney movie or Pixar Film. I'm still convinced that it was a promotion song, because it sounded like a new Black Animation film we didn't even know we needed.  And of course Solange ended the show on the last day and Miguel ended the show on Saturday. I would say personally the performance Solange did in Brooklyn reminisced a little more to me. But I say this because by the time she performed my feet were killing me and all I wanted to do was lay down!

Overall I was left feeling another sense of connection and fullness. I'm currently going through the process of letting go of toxic people and unhealthy patterns within my self. And AfroPunk gave me another reason to be happy. To be in the present moment, to look at all the blackness surrounding me and to know that I will be okay. We will be okay.  I went with a dear friend, who's well known in Minneapolis. She had some friends coming as well, to show love and respect to ZuluZuluu and of course to enjoy AfroPunk. So it was an amazing to share this experience with Women from Minneapolis, who were like minded, and changing the game in their own way back home. I was telling a friend of mine, I got to hang out with the cool kids. 

I'm glad that places like these are happening. It's been a rough few months, and this was definitely a self care moment for me. 

shit, maybe South Africa will be next on the list. 

Check out Images, to see some highlights of the trip!

 

Routine

Texting you, are you safe?

hearing you stumble in at 3am

checking to see if the door is locked

is the oven off?

did you make it to your bed

or

did you pass out on the chair

or

maybe slumped over the oven when you tried to cook ramen

again

maybe the floor

that's happened before, I get so angry but not angry enough

I leave a pillow and blanket

Are there crumbs on the floor?

my lunch for the next day?

Gone.

Should I bother yelling at you when

you won't

even

remember.

I tell myself this is the

last time

I'm going to move out

I tell myself

I yell

I curse

Why can't you just change?

Don't you want to be

Better?

Alive without a drink.

Am I a bad person, if I feel like family is sometimes

a burden?

You're the oldest.

Yet, I have all the responsibilities.

I'm tired.

Don't you want to be

alive without a drink?

An Obsessive Enthusiast

Your a long distant friend that shows up unannounced.

with no sense of boundaries you suffocate me.

You tell me all the things I don't want to hear.

You try to show me things, I know aren't there.

Your shadow haunts me.

And the dark terrifies me.

You second guess all my thoughts

double check, triple check, worry worry worry

You come and go as you please.

Leaving me unsure of the world

But most importantly

Leaving me unsure of myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.Untitled.

The other day, I was given some sad news. One of my aunts have cancer. Cervical. I also found out on my father's side, all of his sisters besides two, have had cervical cancer. And they survived. My grandmother, his mother, wasn't so lucky. So, I'm praying that my aunt gets to be one of the lucky ones.  

My aunt is a religious woman. She is docile to god and her husband. She has faith, but now she needs science to help heal her.  

When I saw her, I thought I was looking at my grandmother. Then I thought I saw my parents in her eyes. You know that face people make, when all they can do is hope for the best? 

Death is no stranger to me. To be quite frank, he's more like a long-distance friend.  once in a while he comes along just to put me in my place.  But also reminding my depressed ass, time is too short.  

Everything you are afraid of, means nothing. 

It still bewilders me that humans exist knowing we only have a limited amount of time. 

Like, what the fuck is time? 

I'm not sure what I'm going with this, but to my faithful Black Women, please put your health first.  

I was also given some troubling new about my father and his involvement with the 82nd Airborne. It all goes down to that I don't trust the government.  and just in time, when my book club decides to read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. 

Do you even see us as humans? Or are we still just second-class citizens, that people believe they can do anything to? 

And what will become of our children? And their children's children? 

How much trauma do we have to pass down? 

It Starts With You

 

Everyone has been going crazy about Rihanna's new make up line, Fenty.  And they should be, because the products are revolutionary to dark girls everywhere. 40 shades for foundation is impressive, but more importantly, it's needed. I was one of many that ordered from Fenty, which included two foundations, 380 and 390. 380 has a orange undertone, so I kinda looked like a pumpkin spice latte, but 390 was perfect.  I also got two highlight sticks, the Blonde and Sinamon.  Both are amazing and I even use them as eye shadows as well.  And of course, the lip gloss, which I like because it's not too heavy or sticky.

Note: I don't know how to beat a face or super into all the make up trends. I am a beginner, my main make up routine consist of eye liner and mascara.

But I will say that this make up is so fun, beautiful and easy to apply that it actually makes me want to play around and watch YouTube videos and pretend like I know what they are talking about. With all the video reviews and the normal black hole of video after video, I started to think about beauty standards, and how my own thoughts of beauty have been shaped and how it's evolved.

As some of you know, I work with Culture Piece, and we do events, mainly fashion shows and fashion shoots, I always feel so silly. I know nothing of fashion. Most of the time, people made fun of the things I wore. Shit, people still look at me funny. It amazes me, how in 2017 the idea of an 'alternative black woman" is still obsolete. I mean don't put me in that category but it surprises me that motherfuckers just can't let us be.

Then I started thinking about weight. I have a terrible history with food. We fight a lot.  But it's so strange being involved in modeling casting, when you feel as though you have no right to critique any other woman, when you hate yourself inside. When you wish you had the same obedience towards your body.

Note: I don't hate myself all the time, but it happens. And that's okay, because I'm constantly working on it.

I'm working on my overall mental health. Something I have been putting off. But with age, I'm starting to get triggers that I didn't know existed.  But I'm also recognizing the ones that I do have.  Things that are currently hard for me:

I'm still weighing myself everyday

I'm still fucking my ex.

I find it hard, to go places alone.

I get tense and will hold my breathe for moments at a time, when I feel as though i'm taking too much space.

when I feel like I'm not good enough, I clean.

Every time I eat, I get angry at myself.

I haven't been able to finish a painting in a month.

Things that have been helping:

Putting on make up and just trying.

Being in safe spaces, like my job at the Beauty Lounge.

My book club

Water; I've been really conscious of drinking more water and not drinking too much liquor, another problem to my health.

What I have been learning through all this?

YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST CRITIC.

and sometimes you just have chill the fuck out and know that you are trying your best.

Day by Day.

Note: There is a revolution happening when Black women are no longer afraid to be themselves.

Full

The weekend is finally over. 

I say finally, with compassion. 

The show was magnificent. 

I am so proud of all the people that I surrounded myself with that night. 

Thank you to everyone. 

Seriously. 

Being consistent can be hard. 

And this is something we are always striving to do. 

Being a Team, can be hard. 

But we are committed to keeping each other accountable.  

I have faith in us, I have faith in our future. 

Please, continue to have faith in our work. 

 

Last night, the moon was red, majestic and powerful. I told myself that I was ready for success, I'm ready to let go and stop giving in to behaviours that keep me stagnant. 

Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. 

 

No. 

More.