Everyone has been going crazy about Rihanna's new make up line, Fenty. And they should be, because the products are revolutionary to dark girls everywhere. 40 shades for foundation is impressive, but more importantly, it's needed. I was one of many that ordered from Fenty, which included two foundations, 380 and 390. 380 has a orange undertone, so I kinda looked like a pumpkin spice latte, but 390 was perfect. I also got two highlight sticks, the Blonde and Sinamon. Both are amazing and I even use them as eye shadows as well. And of course, the lip gloss, which I like because it's not too heavy or sticky.
Note: I don't know how to beat a face or super into all the make up trends. I am a beginner, my main make up routine consist of eye liner and mascara.
But I will say that this make up is so fun, beautiful and easy to apply that it actually makes me want to play around and watch YouTube videos and pretend like I know what they are talking about. With all the video reviews and the normal black hole of video after video, I started to think about beauty standards, and how my own thoughts of beauty have been shaped and how it's evolved.
As some of you know, I work with Culture Piece, and we do events, mainly fashion shows and fashion shoots, I always feel so silly. I know nothing of fashion. Most of the time, people made fun of the things I wore. Shit, people still look at me funny. It amazes me, how in 2017 the idea of an 'alternative black woman" is still obsolete. I mean don't put me in that category but it surprises me that motherfuckers just can't let us be.
Then I started thinking about weight. I have a terrible history with food. We fight a lot. But it's so strange being involved in modeling casting, when you feel as though you have no right to critique any other woman, when you hate yourself inside. When you wish you had the same obedience towards your body.
Note: I don't hate myself all the time, but it happens. And that's okay, because I'm constantly working on it.
I'm working on my overall mental health. Something I have been putting off. But with age, I'm starting to get triggers that I didn't know existed. But I'm also recognizing the ones that I do have. Things that are currently hard for me:
I'm still weighing myself everyday
I'm still fucking my ex.
I find it hard, to go places alone.
I get tense and will hold my breathe for moments at a time, when I feel as though i'm taking too much space.
when I feel like I'm not good enough, I clean.
Every time I eat, I get angry at myself.
I haven't been able to finish a painting in a month.
Things that have been helping:
Putting on make up and just trying.
Being in safe spaces, like my job at the Beauty Lounge.
My book club
Water; I've been really conscious of drinking more water and not drinking too much liquor, another problem to my health.
What I have been learning through all this?
YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST CRITIC.
and sometimes you just have chill the fuck out and know that you are trying your best.
Day by Day.
Note: There is a revolution happening when Black women are no longer afraid to be themselves.