I’ve been dreaming a lot about an old friend. A friend that is now just a memory. It’s crazy to think about all the memories you can make with someone and at a certain point in your life, none of it matters. I thought this person was going to be in my life forever. I should also point out that this friendship was toxic and that’s probably why we don’t speak to one another. It just feels weird knowing there is someone out there, that knows all my horrible mistakes of my past. Someone that has stories about me that I wouldn’t want the world to know. Someone that I once thought I loved. Someone I used to protect and care for. I creeped on their Facebook (of course) and just thought about how happy they looked. How they looked like they were finally living their best life. Maybe I was taken back, because I’m still fighting for my joy, for my happiness. They’ve also been the type of person to come up from the darkest of holes. A part of me was happy to see this but in all honestly, jealous and sad. Jealous because I’m not there yet and sad because it’s a reminder that people can be happy with or without you in their lives. Everything just takes time.
My health insurance is basically on a pause due to me turning my shit in late so, it’s been a minute since I’ve been able to get back on my anti-depressants, so apart of me wonders if this is the reason I’ve been feeling these feelings. Feelings of despair, regret and what ifs. I had a good cry the other day. I used to cry every day, but then I got on my anti-depressants and noticed I haven’t cried in days then weeks. But a few days ago, I just had to let it all out. Sometimes when I cry, I feel all these memories float around in my head. Like a quick commercial of past feelings flushing out of my eyes.
One day I hope to find whatever the fuck I'm looking for. That I never stop fighting my demons and learn that my life is enough. Comparison can really fuck you up.
How's it going to be when you don't know me anymore?