The title seems harsh. I don't think i'm really broken, but I am contiously improving myself and trying to not be in self doubt, so I can't really say that I'm not not broken. I also don't think people with Mental health issues are broken, I am speaking for only myself and my own experiences, being a women of color dealing with depression and balancing out a relationship. Incase anyone feels the need to come at me with my language. (I did not send for you)
Being in a relationship and dealing with depression is hard. Plain and simple. Some days, some weeks, fuck, even some months are good and then all of a sudden, I think the worst. I think to myself, "how can anyone love me, when I don't even know if I love myself." How can he still stay by my side when some nights all I do is bitch and cry. literally. I used to cry myself to sleep at night because the weight of the world and responsibilities felt so heavy. And some nights it was just because I needed to cry. I needed to let everything out. My mind is sometimes my worst enemy. It doesn't stop, and sometimes that comes with self critism. "Why didn't you do that, or you need to still do this."
My partner and I have been together off and on for four years now. When I told him I had depression, he was like yeah I mean who doesn't. But I needed to make it clear that I will have moments when I just need to be alone, or sometimes I need to be met with affection and attention. That some days I will feel alone even when he tries he's best to prove me wrong. I guess when your in a relationship, patience is real. You have to work on being patient with yourself and with your loved one. And letting him know, not to take anything personal (unless it really is)
Honesty is another key. Honesty and open communication helps so much. I know a lot of people say that being in a relationship means compromising, which is true, but it also means being brutally honest when you really don't want to do something or if you frankly don't give a shit. Obviously nothing to discriminate on anything that you or your partner loves and is working towards but, No I don't give a shit about that that drama, and I don't want to watch it with you. type situations. it's okay not give each other space. Sometimes I feel like if someone knows your depressed they think being under you ALL the TIME is good but it's not. I need space. You can chill upstairs and I will downstairs reading. That's okay. Space is normal.
When I love, I love extremely hard and sometimes I get blinded by the fantasy of love that I forget that we are all just humans, living our lives the best we can and that love isn't going to get rid of my depression. Love isn't magic. It isn't going to just make mental illness go away. But I will say that Love can sometimes feel like magic and some days it makes those dark thoughts dimmer and I remember all those little things I am grateful for.
Maybe I'm not broken. Maybe everyone out there is continuously evolving and going through their own shit and demons just as much as me, Just because loving yourself can be hard sometimes doesn't mean you don't know who you love or who you want to be with. And it doesn't mean you don't know your worth either.
When you love me
you love all of me
and my issues.