Awkward Black Girl Update

Wow, it’s been a minute since I’ve done an update post. Let’s see… things still feel fucked. Right? Like this can’t just be me. States are still passing bullshit laws against African American Studies, Latinx and Jewish studies. I mean if that’s not blatant racism, what the fuck else would it be? Bills and policies are being set up to hurt people from the GLBTQ+ Community. So many states just passed outlawing abortion. Things are feeling like it’s fucking 1954 or some shit.

I mean it is definitely a time to be alive. Wars across the world with Ukraine, Afghanistan (which we don’t hear much about anymore) and Sudan is having a crisis. Climate change fucking everything up from tornadoes, fires, and floods. Here in Minnesota we had three 85 degree days and then the next week it was snowing again. I know things are shitty everywhere and you can’t dwell but GODDAMN. And that’s just a small percentage of all the fucked up things happening.

More deaths are happening. School shootings, places in general getting shot up. I constantly feel like I’m watching over my shoulder. At the grocery store, the movies, at target, shit even at work. You never know who you may encounter and if they are gonna just end your fucking life. I know we as humans can only control so much, can only do so much but sometimes all of this seems so unbearable. So unnecessary.

On a more personal note, I’m mentally doing better than I was. But now that my mental is fine I’m learning that my physical body isn’t. I have to wear a heart monitor for the next three weeks to make sure things are okay but my gut feeling says otherwise. Being a Black woman with very unhealthy health history from both sides of my family did not do me any favors. I keep telling myself that I can’t die like my mother. When she was 40 she had a quadruple bypass heart surgery and by the age of 54 I was sobbing goodbye to her at the age of seventeen. I don’t want to be a statistic. I’m afraid to be a statistic. It’s a weird mindset to just want to live pass your parents. I just need to live longer than my father. He died at 37, I’m 34 this year. I think if I’m lucky I can live past my mother.

It’s funny how death just lingers. It never truly leaves us. It’s too patient.

This is a weird spot to leave it but I will leave you with that thought. What do you want to accomplish before you die? what do you want to be remembered for?